Yes it's been a long time. Why not or perhaps that should be why?
Life takes more interesting turns. Try a self-harming unfocused angry 5 year old with self esteem issues. A three year old desperate to get to school and grow up. Oh, and a two year old who wants to wear pants and try potty training!
Started the spring cleaning and done one room. I do hope we get some more good weather at least.
I am feeling the need for more Marcel Moring therapy and perhaps some Diva. Ecelecticism, culture, mish-mash confusion without perfection (well bar the Callas aria). The soul needs balm.
Sunday, 26 February 2012
Thursday, 2 February 2012
Don't let me down.
Don't let me down.
Or should that be don't let yourself down Miranda. Starting to feel the pressure/pinch at work. Rather snowed under. Normally I wouldn't stop - work lots of overtime. That's just not possible with children - you have pick them up, feed them and put them to bed. Then it's my supper time etc. Starting off work at 9pm is not ideal when you are tired already.
Perhaps I am fundamentally lazy but my recent attempts at burning the candle at both ends have ended up with me being ill and rather a lot of asthma attacks which must be therefore psychosomatic.
When I find myself in times of trouble, mother mary comes to me. Please bring me wisdom, peace and fortitude.
May I love others even though they may not like me. May those whom I love be blessed with peace and grace.
Or should that be don't let yourself down Miranda. Starting to feel the pressure/pinch at work. Rather snowed under. Normally I wouldn't stop - work lots of overtime. That's just not possible with children - you have pick them up, feed them and put them to bed. Then it's my supper time etc. Starting off work at 9pm is not ideal when you are tired already.
Perhaps I am fundamentally lazy but my recent attempts at burning the candle at both ends have ended up with me being ill and rather a lot of asthma attacks which must be therefore psychosomatic.
When I find myself in times of trouble, mother mary comes to me. Please bring me wisdom, peace and fortitude.
May I love others even though they may not like me. May those whom I love be blessed with peace and grace.
Tuesday, 31 January 2012
Never give up
So I wrote an incomplete entry of waffle earlier. Nevermind. The youngest enjoyed listening and singing along to let it be. That's got to be a high point for the day - seeing him dance and smile along to the music and some singing.
Quite why I am currently listening to Yazoo is another story. I shan't start on polilitians tonight as my spelling is clearly not of an acceptable standard as is.
Quite why I am currently listening to Yazoo is another story. I shan't start on polilitians tonight as my spelling is clearly not of an acceptable standard as is.
Forgive me blog, for I have sinned
You read it right. I have sinned, quite substantially in my absence. In fact I am a hopeless writer. I have been subsisting in a paralell world of self-pity that co-exists with my normal world.
Let's face it we all have our demons or whatever you want to name them. It makes no difference. Some things are harder than other. I am useless parent. I try but never quite hit the mark. It's hard putting someone else's need ahead of your own everytime which facing it, I don't manage to achieve. Today, I simply had to go to the toilet before getting the children lunch even though they were very hungry. My eldest causes most concern. I suspect I royally screwed up somewhere along the line. Something went wrong in the bonding experience as I was convinced he was going to die (well he was in NICU) and the feelings were too painful when he was born and I simply couldn't cope with them.
I was not prepared for the overwhelming experience of love and something shut down to prevent me loosing it. It is said you parent based on your own experiences. Mine is an odd background. Rejected at birth by my mother - I don't really know why, neither do I blame her. She's actually a lovely person and I think there were a lot of factors involved, but I have never had an explanation from her and I've said I don't need one. My grandparents looked after me for the first year. Then I was at home when my father remarried to my mother. She loved me as her own child, but something in me has always kept my distance.
I have always tried to be as emotionally independent and self-sufficient as possible. The trouble with that is it seems to involve shutting off one's true feelings and trying not to feel. You can come across as cold. I learnt to control my temper that way eventually.
The eldest has my temper and it's not focused. Focusing anger gives it purposes. If I was told I couldn't do something, I always had to prove someone to the contrary. My academic record speaks for itself, I guess that makes me lucky. My eldest doesn't have that - for his school there seem to be no redeeming features.
Tonight I listen to music to try to heal the pain in my soul. F*ck that sounds conceited and somewhat pathetic. Sometimes I even listen to Bette Middler. Bette Middler I ask you. Cheesy elevator music. what is wrong with me. I should have been a singer in a folk band and yet you find me listening to this trash. C'est la vie. Or is it? Am I giving in to mediocracy? Do I Care? Should I!
Let's face it we all have our demons or whatever you want to name them. It makes no difference. Some things are harder than other. I am useless parent. I try but never quite hit the mark. It's hard putting someone else's need ahead of your own everytime which facing it, I don't manage to achieve. Today, I simply had to go to the toilet before getting the children lunch even though they were very hungry. My eldest causes most concern. I suspect I royally screwed up somewhere along the line. Something went wrong in the bonding experience as I was convinced he was going to die (well he was in NICU) and the feelings were too painful when he was born and I simply couldn't cope with them.
I was not prepared for the overwhelming experience of love and something shut down to prevent me loosing it. It is said you parent based on your own experiences. Mine is an odd background. Rejected at birth by my mother - I don't really know why, neither do I blame her. She's actually a lovely person and I think there were a lot of factors involved, but I have never had an explanation from her and I've said I don't need one. My grandparents looked after me for the first year. Then I was at home when my father remarried to my mother. She loved me as her own child, but something in me has always kept my distance.
I have always tried to be as emotionally independent and self-sufficient as possible. The trouble with that is it seems to involve shutting off one's true feelings and trying not to feel. You can come across as cold. I learnt to control my temper that way eventually.
The eldest has my temper and it's not focused. Focusing anger gives it purposes. If I was told I couldn't do something, I always had to prove someone to the contrary. My academic record speaks for itself, I guess that makes me lucky. My eldest doesn't have that - for his school there seem to be no redeeming features.
Tonight I listen to music to try to heal the pain in my soul. F*ck that sounds conceited and somewhat pathetic. Sometimes I even listen to Bette Middler. Bette Middler I ask you. Cheesy elevator music. what is wrong with me. I should have been a singer in a folk band and yet you find me listening to this trash. C'est la vie. Or is it? Am I giving in to mediocracy? Do I Care? Should I!
Sunday, 8 January 2012
Children's party
A delightful girl's birthday party provided some much needed colour and comfort to a cold January day yesterday. Simon says, pass the parcel and some dancing. A lovely Gruffalo picnic on the floor.
It may be past twelfth night but I keep seeing left up Christmas lights. I do think we are quick to dismiss Christmas these days. A former colleague used to put her decorations up on 1 December and take them down on Boxing Day as to her, Christmas was over. A clear sign that the Christian element to Christmas is never considered by some. I admit to not lasting out to twelfth night this year simply due to work commitments.
I do think we are obsessed with our homes. So many seem to strive for the immaculate home - the show home. I wonder how many of us actually live like that? I do know one who does. The house was all neutral shades and cream carpets - leather sofa and matching frames etc. However, it could have been anybody's house. There was none of the history - items collected over time, photo frames, child's artwork etc. Instead it was a shrine to the Next catalogue or hotel room. I prefer to have items collected over time, one off pieces, antiques, books, photos etc. My eclectic taste doesn't make for a show home - it comes out all disjointed, perhaps somewhat confused. There is a heavy Arts & Crafts influence, books providing colour and possibly confusion. It's all about history, the family and not all chosen to coordinate and updated every year to match new decor.
It may be past twelfth night but I keep seeing left up Christmas lights. I do think we are quick to dismiss Christmas these days. A former colleague used to put her decorations up on 1 December and take them down on Boxing Day as to her, Christmas was over. A clear sign that the Christian element to Christmas is never considered by some. I admit to not lasting out to twelfth night this year simply due to work commitments.
I do think we are obsessed with our homes. So many seem to strive for the immaculate home - the show home. I wonder how many of us actually live like that? I do know one who does. The house was all neutral shades and cream carpets - leather sofa and matching frames etc. However, it could have been anybody's house. There was none of the history - items collected over time, photo frames, child's artwork etc. Instead it was a shrine to the Next catalogue or hotel room. I prefer to have items collected over time, one off pieces, antiques, books, photos etc. My eclectic taste doesn't make for a show home - it comes out all disjointed, perhaps somewhat confused. There is a heavy Arts & Crafts influence, books providing colour and possibly confusion. It's all about history, the family and not all chosen to coordinate and updated every year to match new decor.
Saturday, 7 January 2012
How far fall the virtuous
The hypocrite returns after the best part of a week.
And what is there to report you may well ask? Three days of work and taking down the Christmas decorations. Oh how very stimulating. In actual fact the return to some sort of routine is comforting. Banal it may be but routine is what makes the special things special, the weekends a treat etc.
Work is a good solid environment. Busy and positive. I do feel rather the old lady compared to the young batch of auditors who are in the office right now. Nothing like a skinny fashionable 20 year old to make you feel like you're 50. To be honest I am probably past 50 in terms of energy levels.
I have done my best to eat healthily, actually make that "healthier" on the basis of trying not to eat too much chocolate - somewhat difficult given that the house has been full of it. I have managed a pitiful 30-40 minutes on the Wii-fit every day. Rubbish TV is allowed whilst exercising. That does make it partly a guilty pleasure.
Culturally I have not managed to enhance my soul this week. I have been reading a book of anecdotes by a GP - hardly literary at all let alone high brow. Though I have listened to some opera - Mado Robin's strange yet pretty girl like voice. It may be an extremely high voice capable of the full coloratura repetoire, however, to my ear it seems to lack something of a roundness, a fullness, a rich even tone. Maybe that is because a lot of her recordings seems to be of those extremely high and technical pieces.
Housework has definately taken a back seat. I can't be bothered even to remove the substitute pyjamas today. I shall have to as I do need to take the dog ( or "dogue") to the vet and I have the utter delight/agony of a child's birthday party with 3 children.
Sunday, 1 January 2012
1st January
I wonder how many thousands of people are virtuously and self-righteously starting out on their new year's resolution to write a diary or blog. If I set myself a daily entry target I would fail in the first week. Whilst I find pleasure and amusement in the ordinary, banal and mudane, there are limits, repeats that give no pleasure or pain in observing or reading.
I hate new years with a passion. The chance to reflect brings up a lot of negativity, regret and misplaced hopes and fears. I cannot stand when people say they have had such a terrible year that they deserve to have a great year next time round. That implies that the worse year you had, the better next year you deserve, which in turn implies that if you had a good year, you deserve a terrible next one. Waste of time and sentiment I'm afraid.
We can hope for more positive years or for more positive and less negative things to happen without wishing terrible years on everyone else.
I do like Christmas, the build up, the excitement. There is something comforting in bringing out decorations that have stood the test of time and seen many Christmasses past, good, bad or indifferent. The ones when I was young, my grandparents were alive or when we just had a great family get together. The old style flowe coloured lights, the shiny glass decorations and tear drop baubles, the tinsel, the colour the brightness. Something that seems to have been replaced with neatly co-ordinated fake trees in monochrome colour that are upside down and bought afresh every couple of years.
Christmas takes me back to amazing and early memories of childhood. Waking up too early in the morning, the cindy horse and rider set, being at my grandmother's house, church, familiar carols and so on. So much of that has gone now - but something about Christmas allows me to go back, maybe just as an observer but I can feel those things again, almost touch them.
That brings me onto Church. I find a huge amount of comfort in Church, the people etc. The old buildings remain the same throughout the changes to us and our families, marriages, pregnancies lost, children born etc. I find them like a comfort blanket - many happy memories of being thankful for my babies, Christenings and also harder times, low times, times when I need to hang onto that blanket like a child. The words, the sense of belonging, and do I really need to state it the holy trinity. The church is like an extended family at times, yet alien and uncomfortable at others, sometimes you feel at the heart and others you feel like you are on the outside looking in.
So what will 2012 bring? I don't know. I don't really know what I want to achieve. Of course like 99% of women in this country I want to loose weight. However, I actually do need to loose weight as I would guess my bmi is about 28 so I am medically overweight. I think about 80% of those women who want to loose weight are not medically overweight. Indeed the media frequently suggests that women with a bmi of 23 or above need to loose weight especially with the sychophantic comments when a size 10 has dropped to an 8. For goodness sake. I like my food, my wine and clearly eat too much for the amount of exercise I do.
I want my family to stay happy and healthy with no major dramas. I would like to consider adding to the family at the end of the year. It's a decision I am not ready to make right now, and I am not sure I will ever be ready to make, but time is not on my side. I will be 35 this year, which may not be generally considered that old, but I real issues in pregnancy which I do not want to add to with age! Three premature babies was tough but the pregnancies were awful and have taken their toll mentally and physically. We are blessed to have three happy healthy children. I suppose the fact that despite gestation, they were all big and had no major health issues is a good sign for the future. But who wants to roll the dice too many times, to end on a negative, to bring down the happy family?
What else can I hope for? Humm, I would like to make time for more reading - AS Byatt is a current favourite and more opera - I am starting to really enjoy. The Callas Armida has certainly changed my opiniion on what I rate in music. Of course the Olympics - a long held dream to be there will come true the irony of going to the women's hockey prelims is acute. None of the glamour, the long anticipated events, the hours as child spent watching etc. Nevermind ! We shall have a party and just enjoy being at home and watching and being part of Olympic Fever!
I hope to keep my job and not to find it to stressful - to achieve the mythical work life balance. Ha ha. To enjoy holidays with the children and my husband. Did I mention we have the twee middle-class set up with the labrador, cat and rescued chickens! Oh and we live in an old cottage that we bought as a wreck. What middle-class tedious cliches!
Toodle pip for now.
I hate new years with a passion. The chance to reflect brings up a lot of negativity, regret and misplaced hopes and fears. I cannot stand when people say they have had such a terrible year that they deserve to have a great year next time round. That implies that the worse year you had, the better next year you deserve, which in turn implies that if you had a good year, you deserve a terrible next one. Waste of time and sentiment I'm afraid.
We can hope for more positive years or for more positive and less negative things to happen without wishing terrible years on everyone else.
I do like Christmas, the build up, the excitement. There is something comforting in bringing out decorations that have stood the test of time and seen many Christmasses past, good, bad or indifferent. The ones when I was young, my grandparents were alive or when we just had a great family get together. The old style flowe coloured lights, the shiny glass decorations and tear drop baubles, the tinsel, the colour the brightness. Something that seems to have been replaced with neatly co-ordinated fake trees in monochrome colour that are upside down and bought afresh every couple of years.
Christmas takes me back to amazing and early memories of childhood. Waking up too early in the morning, the cindy horse and rider set, being at my grandmother's house, church, familiar carols and so on. So much of that has gone now - but something about Christmas allows me to go back, maybe just as an observer but I can feel those things again, almost touch them.
That brings me onto Church. I find a huge amount of comfort in Church, the people etc. The old buildings remain the same throughout the changes to us and our families, marriages, pregnancies lost, children born etc. I find them like a comfort blanket - many happy memories of being thankful for my babies, Christenings and also harder times, low times, times when I need to hang onto that blanket like a child. The words, the sense of belonging, and do I really need to state it the holy trinity. The church is like an extended family at times, yet alien and uncomfortable at others, sometimes you feel at the heart and others you feel like you are on the outside looking in.
So what will 2012 bring? I don't know. I don't really know what I want to achieve. Of course like 99% of women in this country I want to loose weight. However, I actually do need to loose weight as I would guess my bmi is about 28 so I am medically overweight. I think about 80% of those women who want to loose weight are not medically overweight. Indeed the media frequently suggests that women with a bmi of 23 or above need to loose weight especially with the sychophantic comments when a size 10 has dropped to an 8. For goodness sake. I like my food, my wine and clearly eat too much for the amount of exercise I do.
I want my family to stay happy and healthy with no major dramas. I would like to consider adding to the family at the end of the year. It's a decision I am not ready to make right now, and I am not sure I will ever be ready to make, but time is not on my side. I will be 35 this year, which may not be generally considered that old, but I real issues in pregnancy which I do not want to add to with age! Three premature babies was tough but the pregnancies were awful and have taken their toll mentally and physically. We are blessed to have three happy healthy children. I suppose the fact that despite gestation, they were all big and had no major health issues is a good sign for the future. But who wants to roll the dice too many times, to end on a negative, to bring down the happy family?
What else can I hope for? Humm, I would like to make time for more reading - AS Byatt is a current favourite and more opera - I am starting to really enjoy. The Callas Armida has certainly changed my opiniion on what I rate in music. Of course the Olympics - a long held dream to be there will come true the irony of going to the women's hockey prelims is acute. None of the glamour, the long anticipated events, the hours as child spent watching etc. Nevermind ! We shall have a party and just enjoy being at home and watching and being part of Olympic Fever!
I hope to keep my job and not to find it to stressful - to achieve the mythical work life balance. Ha ha. To enjoy holidays with the children and my husband. Did I mention we have the twee middle-class set up with the labrador, cat and rescued chickens! Oh and we live in an old cottage that we bought as a wreck. What middle-class tedious cliches!
Toodle pip for now.
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