1st January

I wonder how many thousands of people are virtuously and self-righteously starting out on their new year's resolution to write a diary or blog. If I set myself a daily entry target I would fail in the first week. Whilst I find pleasure and amusement in the ordinary, banal and mudane, there are limits, repeats that give no pleasure or pain in observing or reading.

I hate new years with a passion. The chance to reflect brings up a lot of negativity, regret and misplaced hopes and fears. I cannot stand when people say they have had such a terrible year that they deserve to have a great year next time round. That implies that the worse year you had, the better next year you deserve, which in turn implies that if you had a good year, you deserve a terrible next one. Waste of time and sentiment I'm afraid.
We can hope for more positive years or for more positive and less negative things to happen without wishing terrible years on everyone else.

I do like Christmas, the build up, the excitement. There is something comforting in bringing out decorations that have stood the test of time and seen many Christmasses past, good, bad or indifferent. The ones when I was young, my grandparents were alive or when we just had a great family get together. The old style flowe coloured lights, the shiny glass decorations and tear drop baubles, the tinsel, the colour the brightness. Something that seems to have been replaced with neatly co-ordinated fake trees in monochrome colour that are upside down and bought afresh every couple of years.
Christmas takes me back to amazing and early memories of childhood. Waking up too early in the morning, the cindy horse and rider set, being at my grandmother's house, church, familiar carols and so on. So much of that has gone now - but something about Christmas allows me to go back, maybe just as an observer but I can feel those things again, almost touch them.

That brings me onto Church. I find a huge amount of comfort in Church, the people etc. The old buildings remain the same throughout the changes to us and our families, marriages, pregnancies lost, children born etc. I find them like a comfort blanket - many happy memories of being thankful for my babies, Christenings and also harder times, low times, times when I need to hang onto that blanket like a child. The words, the sense of belonging, and do I really need to state it the holy trinity. The church is like an extended family at times, yet alien and uncomfortable at others, sometimes you feel at the heart and others you feel like you are on the outside looking in.

So what will 2012 bring? I don't know. I don't really know what I want to achieve. Of course like 99% of women in this country I want to loose weight. However, I actually do need to loose weight as I would guess my bmi is about 28 so I am medically overweight. I think about 80% of those women who want to loose weight are not medically overweight. Indeed the media frequently suggests that women with a bmi of 23 or above need to loose weight especially with the sychophantic comments when a size 10 has dropped to an 8. For goodness sake. I like my food, my wine and clearly eat too much for the amount of exercise I do.

I want my family to stay happy and healthy with no major dramas. I would like to consider adding to the family at the end of the year. It's a decision I am not ready to make right now, and I am not sure I will ever be ready to make, but time is not on my side. I will be 35 this year, which may not be generally considered that old, but I real issues in pregnancy which I do not want to add to with age! Three premature babies was tough but the pregnancies were awful and have taken their toll mentally and physically. We are blessed to have three happy healthy children. I suppose the fact that despite gestation, they were all big and had no major health issues is a good sign for the future. But who wants to roll the dice too many times, to end on a negative, to bring down the happy family?

What else can I hope for? Humm, I would like to make time for more reading - AS Byatt is a current favourite and more opera - I am starting to really enjoy. The Callas Armida has certainly changed my opiniion on what I rate in music. Of course the Olympics - a long held dream to be there will come true the irony of going to the women's hockey prelims is acute. None of the glamour, the long anticipated events, the hours as child spent watching  etc. Nevermind ! We shall have a party and just enjoy being at home and watching and being part of Olympic Fever!

I hope to keep my job and not to find it to stressful - to achieve the mythical work life balance. Ha ha. To enjoy holidays with the children and my husband. Did I mention we have the twee middle-class set up with the labrador, cat and rescued chickens! Oh and we live in an old cottage that we bought as a wreck. What middle-class tedious cliches!

Toodle pip for now.